Bob Dreizler's Resources: Attack of the Wedding Photographers
Attack of the Wedding Photographers
How would Genghis Kahn, Napoleon Bonaparte and Attila the Hun earn a living if they lived in the Twentieth Century? If I were a vocational counselor, I'd check the classified ads for tyrannical dictators first. Were there no vacancies or if a civil service test were required, I'd suggest they become wedding photographers.
Perhaps that sounds a bit harsh, but I've seen my share of weddings recently. Though The Couple is the center of attention during the ceremony, the photographer controls the flow of events before and after.
Hours before the ceremony, the poses start: the bride putting on her dress, the groom looking uncomfortable in his tuxedo, the best-man doing amusing tricks with his cummerbund. Next are the goofy shots of the newlyweds horsing around with the minister.
Fortunately, the bride and groom are well prepared for the smiling marathon. During the previous weeks, they had kept up a rigorous regimen of aerobic cheek and jaw exercises. Their Pat Boone work-out tape was well worth the investment.
After the marriage vows, the guests sweat in the sun, waiting to throw away the rice that is mildewing in their sweaty palms. Inside, pictures are being taken of every conceivable combination and permutation of relatives and wedding party officials. "OK now, let's get a shot of all the bridesmaids with the groom's cousins from Yazoo City."
"Say Velveeta," demands the grinning photographer to the key wedding participants. They smile and squeeze tightly together at the altar, sandwiched between in-laws met only minutes before. The normally independent adults obeyed the commands like trained dolphins.
At the reception, the mandatory events became increasingly raucous. The unmarried women are formally identified during the "tossing of the bouquet". Next, the bride exposes her thigh so the functionless, ceremonial garter can be removed. "Higher, higher," chants the throng. Perhaps there should be an equivalent event where the bride removes an appropriate undergarment from the groom.
Weddings always remind me of the Cultural Anthropology course I took as a college sophomore. After learning of the odd customs of other cultures, it was a shocking revelation to objectively view American traditions. The throwing of a yak's gonads into a volcano to promote fertility doesn't seem all that bizarre after watching a crowd of frenzied reception attendees scream for the handsome groom to smash a piece of wedding cake into the beautiful face of his new bride.
It is a little known fact that this ludicrous custom became a regular part of the wedding ritual at a White House reception in 1809. President James Madison's wife, Dolly, heavily promoted this notion as a marketing tool to sell her new line of baked goods. Statistics verify that the decision to smash or not to smash the cake is the most accurate determinant in predicting whether a marriage will end in an early divorce.
One of the most amusing dramas of the modern reception is the battle between the still photographer and the videographer. Not only do they jockey for the ideal viewpoint, but they try to avoid having the other in their shots. Wedding photographer is the occupation preferred by nose-tackles after they retire from professional football, they enjoy the physical contact.
Since most wedding picture albums contain the same twenty seven poses, perhaps there is an easier method. With space-age technology, the photographer would just take a few nice head and body shots of the crucial members of the wedding party. Next, they superimpose them on stock photos. After the wedding everyone goes straight to the reception for a great party. There the photographer unobtrusively takes lots of spontaneous pictures.
I often espouse a theory which I refer to as the Wedding/Marriage Relationship Law. WMRL (accuracy rate: 83%) states that there is an inverse relationship between the size of the wedding and the length of the marriage. Were this "law" to be empirically tested, the best quantifying factor might be the number of wedding photos.
During especially long ceremonies I ponder the specifics of famous weddings. When Prince Charles took the garter off Princess Di's thigh, did all the dukes, duchesses and earls hoot raucously? How much was the photographer's bill at the Kennedy wedding which had fourteen bridesmaids?
Students of world history vividly recall what happened to Mildred the Hun when she smashed a piece of wedding cake into Atilla's face. Thank goodness there were no pictures of that reception.